I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
