living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
