Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
