My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
