billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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