It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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