I hate all girls vehemently.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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