Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
