This is not my ceiling
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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