I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize