Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
