and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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