Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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