I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
