i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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