drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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