We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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