mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
