no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
