well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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