sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
