So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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