I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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