How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
