life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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