I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
