doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
