my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
