Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
