don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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