wanna go halves on a baby?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
