There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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