i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
