she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
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You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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