I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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