I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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