last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I intend to get homeless drunk
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
