My Higher Power is John Stamos
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home