We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
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So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.