When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
