I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
