My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
