All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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