i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
