remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
are you so shy because you have an std?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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