Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
