funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
