im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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