just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
