I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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