It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
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Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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