you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
