i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
