taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
