I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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