My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
